8:06 PM

It's been a long time since I've wrote. But believe me, you haven't missed much. Aside from work, I've spent my time wishing Washington believed in summer and engaging in family fish-taco eating competitions.

I'm reading Kerouac right now. I like him because his writing was controversial for his time but ended up defining the generation. He was a wanderer and an observer. He knows better than anyone else what it is to live on the road and is possibly the reason that I will always pick up hitchhikers for the rest of my life. In the middle of his book, he tells the reader that he has nothing to offer them but his own confusion. And really, that is all that I have to offer you. For those of you who are still with me, still reading, even now. Here is my confusion.

I came home expecting the transitional process to be one of counting the gains and losses to somehow come out with a peace or an understanding. But, I was wrong. In fact, counting the gains and losses does tour no justice in retrospect to discovering just who tour made me to be. I've found that the most valuable things in life are those that you can't at first comprehend. Like trying to figure out what it was to live with the hope of a collective dream, the pain of watching that dream scrutinized by every major news outlet and then the beauty of seeing that dream push harder, become stronger, and survive. When you have given everything you have, all you are left with is who you are. So this is who I am, or what I can configure thus far:  

-I believe in Breakfast and God. Breakfast for the protein and God for everything else. 
-I believe that my heart is the most accurate compass and my eyes the most accurate source.
-I am a fan of anything that frees, empowers, and heals. 
-I believe in letting go, although this is new. I used to hold on to everything, every letter, every photo, every old high school corsage. After tour, I threw them all away. I am no longer keeping things that collect dust, because I am confident that there are much greater things ahead.
-I am moved and captivated by words, language and culture in every sense of the words. However, I'm not worried about a bucket list, I'll end up where I am supposed to be, when I'm needed.
-And most of all, I believe in people. Lord knows that people have the capability to bruise one another. Humans are the only living thing that will cast stones against you but also the only living thing that can embrace you, comfort you, love you.  My major is human development, not for a career purpose (although it probably should be), but because I am engrossed in the way of humans, how they work, what they think, how they grow. I say this over and over again, but humans are the only thing that I will fight for. Land, money, none of it is worth the combat. I went on the road with 4 incredible people. And there were moments where we couldn't stand each other, but also moments where their presence was the only thing keeping me in that van. I could not have made that journey without all four of them. That experience revealed to me just how much we NEED each other.  There is a reason there are so many of us on this planet, we carry each other home.

I will add more to this when it's right. Until then, this is my confusion and my revelations. Thanks for being.

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