Punks

9:53 PM

This past Wednesday I was sitting in the van attempting to sign up for classes. To focus on anything but tour while on the road is a nearly impossible feat. But with the end of tour in reach, I made the decision to step away from a screening we had in Manhattan to try to get some sort of grasp on my ever approaching future. I guess I must have been so engaged in class selection that I failed to notice the dozen 20-something year old males approaching the vehicle. Suddenly the van starts rocking back and forth as they take turns kicking, scratching and spitting on the parked van that they must not realize I am still in. As they exchange profanities, I debated getting out of the van and giving them a piece of my mind. But shamefully, I let New York get the best of me and ended up in the fetal position on the ground in the van, praying they would leave. It's mind blowing to me how one second, I can feel so powerful and the next, I feel minuscule and inadequate. It was at this point when I rebuked those very thoughts, and handed it over to God.

Here's a blog to tell you I'm not as strong as I think. And to tell you that I think that is okay.

More than anything in the world, I wanted to be the fearless woman that confronted the men twice her size. Someday, I think I will be. In my head, I play the scenario over and over again, wishing I could have said something, anything to regain some sort of dignity, to win myself some sort of redemption. But if it weren't for that moment of great weakness, how could I prove God's strength? It is ever-flowing, undeniable and always on time. I'm still learning to trust in that but one thing I do know is that I have grown weak and I have grown weary, but the Lord is bigger than the punks, He is bigger than my fear and He is continuing to prove it to me in the most prolific ways.


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