My Subconscious Mind

1:47 AM

When I read books, I write ALL over them. I fill any empty space with the recesses of my mind & when I read them back, I find myself reaching an understanding of my own subconscious Sometimes I write those things here. 

I used to aim at appearing to have it all together. It took great tact to make me look as if I was without a flaw. And if I have ever come off as that to you, I apologize for that would make me an imposter. Because you see, my life is quite fragmented & all I am is a product of excessive grace. 

In fact, so much of the time, I feel like the only one at my small university that doesn't have it together. I'm the girl in the crowd that has difficulty  lifting my hands in worship because I still feel like I am in a test-run with Jesus. At times I wonder if I'm the only one turned off by a glamorous over-spending Christianity, or if that just makes me cynical? 

But in honest moments & life breathing conversations spread out over the month I've theorized that there is not a single Christian, a single denomination or even a single human who has it together. I think if anybody did, we would call them Jesus, and not the Spanish kind.

To be honest my sole desire is a sustainable faith, one that doesn't waver even when I don't receive my weekly emotional supplement. And most days it is easier to judge the church then become it. And finding The Lord without feeling The Lord is a struggle, a daily one. But The Lord is shouting above the expectation of it all and begging me to look at the bigger picture. 

Because I don't think God cares too much about the profanity that left my mouth last week when I burned my hand on my flatiron. I don't think he is disappointed in my decision to get a tattoo on Thursday (also, mom I'm getting a tattoo on Thursday, hope that is alright) & I dare say that I might still make it to heaven if I believe homosexuals should have the right to marry. I'm no theology major, but the more I scour the bible, the more I'm pointed to love and the less I'm pointed towards the excess. I'm praying for a wider heart & a broader lens. 

If you can, share. please challenge me, please give me things to digest. I promise to never count you out or take your opinion for granted. After all, you are human just like me, so let's put our fragments together & try to make sense of things. 

(photo credit: freepeople)

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